Lost My Faculties: A teacher's blog

I'm back

2007-02-05T01:19:00.000-04:00

It's been a while, huh. Lots of excitement here on the home-front - new glasses, job interviews, garage sales, etc., and so on. Busy busy busy.

I'm going to miss teaching - at least some parts of it. I'm going to miss the students, and the energy in the classroom. I'm going to miss the light-bulb moments when my students "get it". I'm going to miss the humor and the playfulness of my students. I'm going to miss the students who are wise beyond their years, and who seem to understand the purpose of all of this even when I've forgotten.
I'm going to miss thinking about and planning lessons, studying resources, looking up information and learning new things while I'm doing it. I'm going to miss my colleagues - intelligent, sophisticated, funny, generous, gracious, and sarcastic. I'm going to miss the smell of the cedar trees in the bright, crisp morning air.

I'm not going to miss report cards. Conferences. Grade grubbers. Enabling parents. Hovering parents. Passive Aggressive parents. Parents in Denial. Mean parents. I will not miss staff development. PLCs, FQLs, CAI, POS, SOLs, and all the other county effing initiatives. I will not miss the inept and unprofessional division level department coordinator who likes only to hear herself talk, and will not listen to anyone else. Ever.
I will not miss the principal, who says things like "the die has been mixed", and "vice" instead of "versus" (as in the Bears "vice" the Colts). Who openly admits leaving the classroom because "I wasn't very good at it, so I became an administrator", and who then treats teachers like they know nothing.

Sometimes, I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I realize I won't be in the classroom next year. What purpose will I have? What will I do during the day? And then, I realize that I probably won't be blogging at 12:36 am on a Sunday night/Monday morning, attempting to forestall the inevitable morning mayhem of dragging my ass out of bed and figuring out what we're doing today in class.

Please, if you're out there, anyone, please visit www.educatorrountable.org and sign the petition calling for an end to NCLB.

POS, SOLs, FQL, PLCs, FUBAR

2006-11-12T00:09:00.000-04:00

Our school district is currently proposing some drastic changes to the POS (program of studies) for high school students. Most of the changes are a reaction to one school's failing SOL (standard of learning) scores . The FQL (framework of quality learning) is a mammoth document telling all teachers what they've been doing must STOP, and that they must meet in PLCs (professional learning communities) to be brainwashed into following a lock-step model. This, of course, is supposed to increase rigor and encourage more kids to care about SOLs. But in my opinion, it's only going to result in public education being FUBAR - more than it already is.

It's Not Rocket Science

2006-10-19T05:43:00.000-04:00

This is my seventh year of teaching. It has taken seven years to feel like I'm capable (well, at least some of the time instead of never). The thought of moving next school year disconcerts me because I'm just starting to get good at this.....
But it's exhausting. The emotional stamina required to sustain teachers has to come from somewhere, you know? Ultimately, I would like to be an advocate for educators. I think if more parents knew about the initiatives, and the ulterior motives related to the initiatives, there would be enough outrage to change the system.

Cautiously optimistic

2006-09-21T14:43:00.000-04:00

So far the school year is going relatively well. I'm mostly caught up with my grading, and I'm fairly well prepared to teach the 92 students (33 fewer than last year) sitting in my classroom at various intervals during the day.

10 Honors is still kicking my ass, though. I don't understand some of the material the other teacher presents, and I feel that I have to follow her lead no matter what. She's a brilliant person and an interesting teacher. She's the one who tells me I have more methods while she has more material.... which is true of course... but if I were to deviate from her curriculum, I would be proving just how ignorant I truly am.

Plato's The Apology is what I'm talking about. Why the hell do 10th graders need to be reading this? It's way too hard. I barely understand it myself. It's college level material that I feel is not appropriate for the classroom except in exerpts (which are the devil's handiwork, according to the lead teacher).

There are a couple of bimbos in my honors class as well. Not that they're stupid - they're just used to things coming easily and prettily to them. One of them lamented yesterday that she misses the 9th grade honors teacher (whom I've stopped admiring recently) who told them everything and made them take incessant notes. At least, that's my assumption. I wish I had time to sit in on one of her classes and watch what she does. I wish I had time to sit in on one of my lead teacher's classes to see how she approaches Socrates.

I don't know if there is an ideal classroom/teaching situation. Part of me wonders if the drama doesn't in fact inspire me. Teaching is a strange profession - definitely a love/hate relationship. But at least it's better than last year. Last year at this time I already knew it was going to be a looooong year. And was it ever.

Beginning Again

2006-08-28T22:48:00.000-04:00

A new school year. Already.
Sort of feels like we've come back after a 3 day weekend and started a new school year. What the hell happened to "See you in September!" ?

This year, I have 103 students instead of 130. Something is different this year with this crop of freshmen. Not sure what it is, really. They're quieter for one thing - maybe it's just that they're still scared of me.

I saw a piece on MSNBC about Teach for America, and the cute little teacher from UVa who is giving the teaching profession a shot. She said that teaching is not what it seems like from a student's point of view. Or even a parent's. There is more to being a teacher than meets the eye, and I don't know how to get people to realize how much work, heart, and soul goes into this profession.

Warning- this is not happy*

2006-06-13T11:14:00.000-04:00

Looking around the room full of teachers today, I counted the number of teachers whose children are train wrecks. It struck me that the sooner I can get out of education the better because I go home so tired at night that I don’t care how much tv my kids watch as long as it’s something I’ve approved. I don’t care how messy their rooms are because I don’t have the energy to clean them or to get my kids to clean them. I don’t fight them on their bad eating habits because I’m too tired to care. And I’m filled with self loathing at the thought of all the work I won’t get done in spite of bringing it home with me. I’m too depressed and disappointed with myself to reflect much of anything positive to my children and I’m terrified they will internalize my failings as their own. My kids have a pretty high chance of becoming train wrecks if I don’t quit soon.

The Best Principal Ever dropped a bombshell yesterday: she’s leaving High School to go to Middle School. I’m irreconcilably sad she’s leaving but the decision has already been made and people are already in their new positions. I’m afraid Awesome Assistant Principal will leave, too and then the whole school really will go to hell. I wish I could quit this year. I wish I could leave before things get worse. Because no matter how positive or optimistic I am, things always get worse. This year has been absolutely awful and yet I know things will be worse next year. Things always get worse.

I refuse to work on the Vertical Team next year. I don’t like the working environment, I don’t agree with the way the work is organized and managed. I don’t like Super Bitch’s style of taking over and making decisions for us. I don’t like her inability to listen to the teachers and lack of regard for their opinions. Super Bitch is not a good leader, and she is not a good manager. She has brought frustration and disillusionment to an already thankless and demoralizing job. She is not a good coordinator for English.

I don’t want to teach 10 Honors next year. This year was such a categorical disaster that I don’t really want to even look at the mess I made. I don’t want to sift through the fuselage of things taught badly and try to recreate a curriculum that equals in rigor what Fabulous Teacher teaches. That will simply be an act of self flagellation. I know I did a terrible job and I know I’m not (a) Fabulous Teacher. I’m sad for the students who took my class this year. I’m sad for the crap they put up with from me. I wish I had been a better teacher. I wish I were a different person altogether. I suck.

I want to go on vacation for a week all by myself. I want a room with an ocean view, right next to the beach. I don’t want to get out of bed or shower for a week. I don’t want to do anything but watch the waves crash on the sand and be comforted by the tide’s unremitting sequence. I don’t want to think about how fat and unattractive I am. I don’t want to supervise my children playing on the beach and I don’t want to worry about Husband's mood. Or money. Or anything.

What I really want is to cease existing. But there's no real chance of that happening.

Resume

2006-06-08T10:06:00.000-04:00

I don’t really want to respond to Ms. Mother of ****. First of all, I don’t know what to say. What does she want me to say? I’m sorry? You’re right?
I get the feeling that she just wanted to share her feelings about my severe ineptitude – she doesn’t really want me to respond. I could attempt to defend myself against some of the transgressions she accused me of, but it doesn’t really matter at this point. She has said her peace – there really isn’t much to resolve or fix. It doesn’t matter that I did get her a list of ****’s assignments (which *****promptly lost), just not the moment she asked for it; I told her I needed a day or two to get the list together.
It doesn’t matter that everyone has to start somewhere and I couldn’t have just automatically taught the subtleties of books like Othello and Frankestein without having read them. Am I supposed to lie and pretend I had read them? How am I supposed to answer students’ questions other than “I’ll have to go back and look at that because I don’t know right off the top of my head”.
I did fail her daughter. I am not the “best” teacher who inspires, nor am I even a favorite of any other students either. I didn’t connect to ****– I don’t think I connected to anyone, actually, which is probably due to some personal defect on my part. I don’t want to be anyone’s pet teacher. I don’t want to be best friends with my students. I guess I feel like lashing out at her, and criticizing her parenting practices. Why have I never met or heard about ****’s father? What’s wrong with their relationship? Is he embarrassed that **** is such a freak? What about ****’s OCD (if that’s even what it is; I happen to think she has Asberger’s)? What did they do wrong to bring that out in their child? I feel like she is attacking me that personally. I feel like she’s going straight for my jugular.

About the only thing I can do is breathe in and out. In and Out. And try again, because

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-----Dorothy Parker.

Ouch

2006-06-08T09:36:00.000-04:00

Ms. Faculties--
****will not be in class for the English final exam. At this point she believes she has failed the class, that she must repeat the class next year, and that taking the final exam will in no way change either of the two previous statements.
Without question I am disappointed that ****s year in Honors English has turned out this way. Following a stellar year in Honors English 9, it is hard to believe we are talking about the same student. It's hard to believe we are talking about the same student who has never scored below a 91%-tile in any standardized reading or writing exam, including the PSAT. It's hard to believe this is the same student that can produce A and B work in Honors history.
What I'd like to understand better, is why ***** "shut down" in your English class. I know she was terribly turned off when you professed to not having read "Othello" before and to not having read "Frankenstein" since you were in high school. She was disoriented by the change from Ms. Excellent's lecture style to the "what do you all think" method that never resulted in an definitive answers. And I know she was extremely frustrated that it took so long to get tests and papers back that she never knew how she was doing.
Considering *****'s depression and other problems, I might have thought she was exaggerating, but you learn quite a bit from other parents while you sit in the halls waiting for conferences and I heard the same complaints from those parents.
***** will suffer the consequences for how she handled the problems in this classroom. She will be repeating Honors English 10 as a direct result of her inability to deal with the teacher and the environment. That's her lesson to learn the hard way.
Unfortunately, though, I think much of what ***** has said about your teaching and your organizational skills is true. When you couldn't produce a list of *****'s assignments for me first semester and told me *****should have been writing them down, I was amazed. Of course she should have been writing them down, but why couldn't you produce the list? How is it that you did not know what was assigned, when it was due, and who had turned it in and what grade they received? I have spent a year telling ***** to just "play the game." Telling her that you don't always get "good" teachers or teachers you "like" and that you have to learn to work with what you have and adapt. You're very likeable and seem to recognize that **** has some knowledge, but I think both you and ****failed to adapt. I think you had an obligation to ****as a teacher to meet her needs in education. She is probably one of the best-read students in the 10th grade and you had a subject that could have made her come alive. I am so disappointed that she wasn't anything special--anything worth saving.
In ****'s presence, I must support you as her teacher. As bad as her self-esteem is, I cannot for an instant let her think that her failure had anything to do with you; however, I think you should know that I think you both failed.
Sincerely,
Mother of *****

A most sinister confession

2006-06-01T21:54:00.000-04:00

By this time each year, I have jotted down a list of students who have bugged me all year long. This year is no different, but I guess the good part is that my list gets shorter every year. Or maybe that's bad because I learn to put up with more shit from students and parents each year.

Every year my grading standard become rather fluid around this time, too. Is it wrong to merely ballpark a kid's grade without really reading his work? Does it matter if I don't grade every damn assignment they turned in? Should I be assigning this much crap anyway? Does it really make a difference to anyone?

Tomorrow's my last day of real teaching - next week we have semester exams . I think I can make it all the way through the day. Or at least til lunch - it's pizza day.

La la la I don't care anymore.

Things I’m Afraid I Might Actually Say Out Loud

2006-05-05T15:49:00.000-04:00

"Just shut up and do it."
"What part of please stop talking confuses you?"
"Read the directions, dumb ass."
"Bring your own damn pencil"
"The junior slut look really doesn’t work for you, honey."
"No you CAN'T go to the bathroom right now, dumb ass."
"It must be time for your meds because you’re really starting to annoy me."
"Are you this stupid in all your classes or just this one?"
"That’s really not going to get you any dates…. "
"Get out of my personal space/ away from my desk/ etc. you Cretin "
"Shut the fuck up already."
"I’ll return your papers when I’m damn good and ready so stop asking. "
"If you can’t clean up after yourself, please go back to your monkey cage."
"It’s like you are a puppy who has to mark his territory by peeing on everything."
"For God’s sake stop tapping on your desk!"
"There are none so dumb as those that want to be"

don't know

2006-04-21T18:39:00.000-04:00

My heart just isn't in it anymore. I don't know what triggered my apathy. Maybe it was dissolving into tears in front of my class for no apparent reason.
Maybe it's the continual negative feedback from parents and students. Maybe it's all the teachers who think they know everything. Maybe it's not being treated like a professional. Maybe it's my upbringing - that no matter what I do it's not enough. That I'll always be a disappointment.

Good Gawd, I'm depressing!

Better Late Than Never

2006-04-06T20:36:00.000-04:00

Spring Break arrived about one week too late for me.

Last Wednesday morning, after I turned in my grades for the 3rd quarter at 9:00 a.m., I started writing some notes on the chalkboard for my students when I began to cry and could not stop.

Seriously. Crying. Couldn't stop.

The thing is, I had 26 sets of expectant eyes waiting for me to turn around and explain the crap I had just written on the board. They were aware that something wasn't right - and I know they were waiting for me to turn around and tell them my dog just died or something to explain all the tears.

I didn't explain anything. I just ducked into the teacher's office next door where another teacher was getting ready to grade papers. She saw me and said "Do you need me to cover your class?" All I could do was nod.

A Day In the Life

2006-03-15T00:16:00.000-04:00

Here's a note from a parent and my response in blue. Probably won't send it. Too mad.

Dear Teacher,
Johnny has been diagnosed with both ADD (inattentive type not ADHD) and he has been diagnosed as having specific learning disabilities that make writing, or processing things from his brain to the paper, a real chore. If Johnny were able to consistantly [sic] come to you at the end of each class to have his planner signed, then he wouldn't need to have it signed. Right. And if I could see without glasses, I wouldn't need to wear them. Nor would he need the other 504 accommodations for that matter. I realize that most teachers are not willing to go the extra mile and take the initiative to sign a child's NB on there [sic] own, is it too much to ask that you do so, on days that you realize Johnny hasn't taken the initiative himself?
First of all, by the time I realize Johnny hasn't brought me his planner, hours or even days have passed since I last saw him. Usually it's a note from a parent or a counselor that reminds me I haven't seen Johnny's planner in a few days. So going the extra mile is indeed too much to ask. The purpose of all accommodations is to teach Johnny to manage his disability. He must deal with the extra chore of processing information from his brain to his paper. He must go the extra mile for himself. Incidentally, I keep all of the homework on my website, so students can go the extra mile and double check the homework assignments when there are questions. This is something I expect Johnny to do when he realizes he hasn't had me sign his planner.
I am aware that Johnny is sometimes off task like the other day when he chose to read a magazine during class time. This is a good example of why his 504 accommodations recommend teachers orally "cue"or "prompt" Johnny often. I'm not sure why he was allowed to ignore your authority and not made to put the magazine away to complete his work at that time, but I will discuss this behavior with him. The wording here makes it sound like I didn't do enough to get Johnny back on task. - "allowed to ignore". Just exactly how much oral cueing and prompting is necessary when "You should put that away and do your homework" doesn't redirect a student's behavior? It might help you to understand that Johnny was "cut" from the baseball team last week and as a result his self esteem is suffering. He probably had an "I don't care attitude" on that particular day. this is a great example of when a little prompting to write in his agenda pad would have been very helpful. Again, how much more prompting is necessary when my saying to Johnny "You should put that away and do your homework" doesn't work?
I know that Johnny is very intelligent and that it appears as though he should be able to do his work at the same level as the other students. I'm not really sure what you mean by this. He seems like he should be smart enough to do this kind of work, but he's not so let's just pass him anyway and keep it our little secret? Or does he need to be in a class that matches his ability? Johnny works hard to do well on tests and projects but the daily work is a real problem and often leads to poor results on tests. Wait. You just contradicted yourself. He works hard to do well on tests but doesn't do the daily work that prepares him for the tests so that leads to poor results on the tests. I better sit down - I'm dizzy. I too would love to see Johnny able to better monitor his own work habits, but after many years of arguing, prompting, punishing and even rewarding Johnny in an effort to do his assignments on time, it has finally occurred to me that if Johnny were able to do better on a consistent basis he truly would. He is not a disciplinary problem and he does aspire to go to college, it is just going to require some help getting him there. What kind of help, exactly? And who is doing the helping? I've never met a college professor who would accommodate any student who forgot to use a planner. How are we helping Johnny learn to manage his disability if we don't teach him to do the work necessary to succeed? I'm sorry it's a real chore for Johnny to write down assignments and to stay organized. But he's not going to make it through college (even after we all help him get there) unless he learns the habits which will keep him organized.
On a side note, why is college the goal here? I went to college and look where it got me? I'm sitting here responding to this idiotic email from you... My husband went to college and we still can't afford to buy a house. Meanwhile, my brother in law and his wife couldn't diagram a sentence or solve a quadratic equation between the two of them to save their lives. He has a job with Microsoft, and she stays home with their three very expensive babies (invitro fertilization). He makes more money than either my college educated self or husband earn. Why exactly is college necessary?
As for his grades, it is very helpful for parents who are not in the class on a daily basis, to monitor there child's progress through his graded assignments. If a child is given the opportunity to monitor all of his assignment scores regularly it may prompt him to keep up with his own assignments accordingly. a good understanding of current grades can also help a student to realize when he or she needs to really buckle down and focus on doing his best. not seeing the full picture will often leave a child in a state of "grade delusion" until the end of the nine weeks, at which point it is most often too late to salvage a poor grade point average. Johnny worked hard and feels confident that he has succeeded in doing well on many of his assignments that have not yet been returned to him. I hope that at this late date we will not be disappointed.
If Johnny has ever found himself in a state of grade delusion, I'm truly sorry. His interim grades and his quarter grades have all been pretty consistent and reflect and overall consistent pattern with Johnny 's work habits. Johnny may actually suffer from perpetual optimism wherein he believes he is doing his best work (read: A work), when in fact his best work is NOT A work.
As a mother yourself, I hope you can understand my frustrations and realize my intentions are purely in the best interest of my child, I only want to see him succeed in accomplishing his personal best. Of course I understand your frustrations, and of course I realize that your intentions reflect the best interests for your child. Please understand that it is because I am a mother that I am not able to get papers back more quickly to students, and please understand that many nights I put my students before my own children, telling them I can't play because I've got too much work to do planning lessons (and grading what few papers I can). Please understand that I am at the breaking point and I can't take on the responsibility of keeping your son any more organized than I already do (remember: website, chalk-board homework list, and hard copy of syllabus).
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Mother Dearest

Not Sure What I Want

2006-03-03T01:19:00.000-04:00

Parent-Teacher Conferences were held this evening. I didn't get home until 8:00 pm and I am exhausted as you can well imagine. The thought of going back in the morning has sent me searching through my mental files of which movies I could show tomorrow during class so that I don't have to think. Or plan. Or teach.

In a year, DH will be finished with his fellowship and we will know where he's going next. Where ever the geographical location turns out to be, DH will finally be a board certified pathologist and will be making 4x what either of us presently earns. The reason I'm even bringing this up is because he frequently comments that once he's making more money, I can stay home.
I don't know if I want that.
It's true that the load I'm carrying right now has just about done me in. I'm about *this* far from having a nervous breakdown - and no, I'm not just being dramatic. I feel like Sysiphus.

On a side note, one of my perfectly delightful students asked me the other day what I hated about teaching. I hate a lot of little piddly things, but ultimately, I hate having to grade a student's work and then be graded for my grading. I hate grading. I hate not getting their papers back to them sooner. I hate feeling like I'm not doing my job as a teacher by turning assignments and tests around in two weeks.

When I get home at night, I hate feeling like I'm short changing my children. I hate telling my 4 year old I can't snuggle with him because I have papers to grade. And then I think "He's only going to be 4 once", so I climb into bed and read him a story. Guess who falls asleep first? I'll give you a hint: it's not the 4 year old, and the papers don't get graded.

While I agonize over how my absence affects my children, I wonder if I would really be a good SAHM because I get cabin fever by Sunday afternoon. I like being in the work place. I like having other things to talk about besides my children's lives. I love being a teacher because like students and I love literature. I'm just really really really really really really really really really tired.

Meet the F*&%$ ers

2006-02-23T14:37:00.000-04:00

So he looks straight at me when he said “Max does better in classes where there are activities and interaction. He doesn’t do well in the sit-down-listen-and-take-notes classroom.”

What a jerk. Like he even knows what the hell goes on in my classroom on a day to day basis. He probably doesn't even realize I'm giving up my lunch break for this crap.

But he's not as much of a jerk as his wife. “He sometimes forgets when things are due or whether he has missing work. It takes too long for Max to get feedback on his papers and his work. There needs to be a shorter turn around time, and I know it’s probably impossible to grade that many papers in two or three weeks, but maybe you could put Max’s at the top of the pile or something.”

This stings A LOT because I know I’ve been horrible at getting papers back to students. Honestly, I’m embarrassed by how long it has taken me. I just can’t seem to keep up. But, this meeting is not about me, or my multitudinous failings, so I suggest that they encourage their son to keep a planner and get assignments checked off after he writes them down. Then he can go back to verify whether or not he turned in his work, and he will be better able to self assess.

This is why I hate being a teacher. I don’t like being blamed for the inadequate organizational skills of most high school students. It’s not my fault that he forgets to turn in his assignments if he doesn’t want to write things down.

Or maybe it is. And I just plain suck.

Just found this at fark.com

2006-02-17T23:08:00.000-04:00

And it's a good thing registering to make a comment takes 24 hours. Otherwise, I would probably waste at least as much time coming up with an angry reply to the ignorant comments about teachers - a reply that would probably only be read once. Maybe.

It's times like this that makes me wish I could invent an FU key to put at the top of my keyboard. It would come in quite usefully the week before progress reports come out when parents are asking for a pre-progress report progress report. What is the point of a progress report, then, I want to ask. Why shouldn't I just email you every night before I tuck you in and tell you the wonderful story of how your student is a joy to teach and can I give you a wake up call or breakfast in bed?
An FU key would save all my sarcastic energy for the people who really need it: My OWN two children.

Complaining doesn't change things. Venting ceases to relieve my frustration. Crying just makes me splotchy. Teaching will never get easier.

No Such Thing As A Stupid Question

2006-01-28T15:27:00.000-04:00

Everyone has heard that saying "There's no such thing as a stupid question"? Or, "The only stupid question is the one you don't ask".
Yeah. Right.
The longer I teach, the more I'm convinced that there IS indeed such a thing as a stupid question. The stupidest questions I get are the ones that we've already answered as a class, or the ones with answers written on the board. Usually the stupid question comes from one of the students who talks to his neighbor most of the period. The other person who asks stupid questions is the kid who asks one that has already been answered THREE or FOUR times. And this guy doesn't ask it for mere clarification - he is completely unaware that there is anyone else in the room besides him.

I have this other student, who in the middle of class will randomly raise his hand and ask "Is my grade improving?" "Am I missing any assignments?"

A couple of years ago, a student of mine (whom I refer to as Hothouse Flower) raised her hand as I was passing out a quiz. "I have a headache. Do I have to take it?"
"You can go to the nurse if you want. You'll have to make up the quiz later."
"But I don't want to miss class. Can't I just sit here?"
I shook my head No. "If you're here, you might as well take the quiz"
Later that afternoon (thanks to cellphones), I got an email from Hothouse's mom telling me how embarrassed her daughter was that in front of the class, I told her she had to take the quiz. Remember: Hothouse Flower asked in front of the whole class.

Once as I was handing out a study packet (stapled and collated), a student asked "How come you never three-hole-punch things for us?"

And, my personal favorite "Did we do anyting in class yesterday?"

"What Fresh Hell Is This?"

2005-11-21T19:43:00.000-04:00

I desperately need to find a new career. What the hell can a burned out 30 something offer a potential employer? What the hell am I even qualified for? Besides letting pubescent little boogers drive me insane, that is. Can I even do anything else gainful?
DH is in a royal snit, as well. He's supposed to be the stable adult at our house but he has left that up to me tonight and I think I'm going to disintegrate. Is 6:57 pm too early to put my kids to bed?

You may think I'm being facetious, but I assure you I am 100% serious.

ps.
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Resume by Dorothy Parker

My New Idol

2005-11-10T22:16:00.000-04:00

But I can't decide if it's Severus Snape or Mary Beth Ellis. Check out http://blondechampagne.blogspot.com, and http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9959467/ . Then let me know what y'all think.

If it's not one thing, it's your mother

2005-10-26T12:41:00.000-04:00

So last night during a phone conversation, Sweet Daughter of mine told my mom we wouldn't be coming to visit until we could afford to stay in a hotel.
Guess who's giving me the silent treatment?
"How does she do that from 2000 miles away?", you ask.
I'll tell you: she emails my daughter at my email address and says nothing to me. And it's my BIRTHDAY!

KaBOOM!

2005-10-26T12:35:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm going to implode. No - really. Thoughts of all of the crap I have to do are swirling around in my brain, causing hurricane force winds at my brain stem cortex, and a veritable nor'easter near my frontal lobe.
How am I supposed to do all this shit? Grade, Plan, Teach, Assess - oh, and earn recertification points on my own time. All I really want to do is teach, and obstacles keep getting in my way. And the thing is, the people who are supposed to be supporting and helping me are the ones putting up the obstacles.
When The Spouse starts making some real money, I'm going to get out of teaching. It's sucking my soul dry.

S.A.D.?

2005-10-17T13:43:00.000-04:00

With the days getting shorter, and the darkness lasting longer, my mood sinks. I'm going through one of those blah phases that starts in October and lasts until April. I think it's called Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I'm behind in grading, too. Like two weeks behind. Students keep asking me when I'll give back their papers and tests and I feel guilty that I haven't returned them, stressed out that I still have to grade them, and angry that I have 130 students' papers, tests, quizzes, and homework to grade.
I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

Eating My Words

2005-10-07T10:35:00.000-04:00

I apologize to the kid I called a bratty 9th grader. He just came and apologized and told me he should have been more responsible. Plus, I talked to his mom last night and she was very supportive. So I caved and accepted his assignment (which he worked on last night and corrected to follow the directions).
So.
I was wrong. I am so happy about it!!

Private School Drop Out

2005-10-06T12:32:00.000-04:00

Just had an unpleasant conversation with a bratty 9th grader who transferred to public school after attending the hoity toity private school in town. I'm shaking and I don't know why. He expects me to give him full credit for his half-assed effort. He didn't bother to follow directions on an assignment he's known about since the day he transferred into my class OVER A MONTH AGO - He transferred into my class the second day of school, so it's not like he's brand new to my class. Anyway, because he didn't follow directions I would not accept his work. He was dumbfounded. I highly doubt that anyone ever held the privileged little punk accountable. Along with directions-not-followed-assignment was a note from his mommy telling me that they didn't have time to get his assignment done the way it was supposed to be done, and would I please call her if it was a problem.
So I called and left a message on her voice mail (cell phone?) and I'm dreading the pending phone call - I will be trying to stand my ground and she will be trying to enable her spoiled brat kid. Why oh why did I become a teacher?

WTF?! A Rant ....

2005-09-21T15:51:00.000-04:00

Okay. So.
I keep a webpage of homework assignments for the specific purpose of having kids LOOK AT IT TO KEEP UP. I also hand out a hardcopy of the very same information. So why do students come to class claiming they didn't know what was due? Why do they even attempt to gain my sympathy when they're too lazy to look at the hardcopy I MADE FOR THEM, or look it up on the FREAKIN' INTERNET?!
Every year, I hear the same crap from dumbass 9th graders who were spoon fed at middle school by dumbass teachers. I hate middle school. Dumbasses!

Yes. I know I've been watching too much of "That 70's Show" - I sound like Red Foreman.

No. Really. 130.

2005-09-16T19:08:00.000-04:00

The school year has started, of course, so it's no surprise that I'm too busy to futz around with hobbies like blogging. But this year is different.
This year, I have 5 sections of English. Each section has 26 students for a grand total of 130. That's thirty more than the good for nothing superintendent promised when he first got the job here. Ha. Some promise.
I don't have any earthly idea how I'm going to manage that paper load, or the helicopter parents of honors and college prep kids. I've already put on weight by stress-eating and I don't have time for exercise or weight watchers.
I love teaching and I want to be a good teacher - and I think I even could be a good teacher if I had enough time to actually think about what I'm doing. I want my students to learn something about themselves through the literature we read in my class. I want them to have fun with language and learn to think about how language works in the process. I really really really want to teach them how to write, but there's no way I can help 130 kids do any of that well.
The reason so many people leave the teaching profession is that it's a job that demands too much. Yeah, the pay isn't comparable to the amount of work any of us do, and it would be great to be paid more - but honestly, it's not the pay (or lack thereof) that really makes me want to leave. It's the overwhelming demands. In addition to teaching kids to be literate and thoughtful, I'm supposed to earn recertification points, collaborate in "learning communities" during one of my planning periods, and cover study hall during the second of my two planning periods. I'm supposed to meet with struggling students during the lunch break, except when I have to walk the halls for lunch duty, or meet with the special ed department for a lunch time child study meeting.

Please send money

2005-09-07T11:07:00.000-04:00

I've been riveted to the television ever since Katrina hit. The devastation is unfathomable and my soul aches for the people who've been affected by the hurricane. I wish there were more I could do than just send money.

The Next Time Someone Says....

2005-08-21T08:17:00.000-04:00

Upon hearing that I teach, a new acquaintance said"How nice you get your summers off". I think I'm going to spit nails at the next person who says that to me.
Lemme 'splain:
During one of the neverending administrative meetings held this past week (during perfectly good planning time, I might add), I did the math. "What math?" you ask. Ahh but let me enlighten you.
Teachers work with students an average of around 60 hours a week, 36 weeks a year (this does not include the pre-service week or the built in planning days). Forty of those hours are at school, of course, and the rest are on teachers' own time. (I know cuz I took a poll among my colleagues). That turns out to be 2160 hours per year. An average full time employee works 40 hours a week, 50 weeks of the year, which equals 2000 hours.
The hours aren't that different, but the pay is. All 2160 hours are squeezed into a 36 week period which means I only get paid for 10 months out of the year. Why doesn't society value what educators do enough to pay appropriately for it? Where do people get the idea that teaching is a cushy job with lots of time off?

Settling In

2005-08-21T08:08:00.000-04:00

The idea of going back to school is settling in. I've planned the first week for each of my classes, and I have an idea of where to go from there, so I guess things are good. This is inspite of having 21 more students than I did last year. Class size has increased by about 25% - last year my class were no bigger than 20 students. This year, there are 25 or 26 students in each one of my five classes. Ouch.

MIL is still here - until Thursday. She took the kids and my husband out of town for the weekend, while I stayed here to get some work done. I'm as finished as I can be, so today I'm going shopping by myself. BY MYSELF. Does anyone know how monumental this is? Normally, I have to take at least one of the children with me when I shop, which means I do a lot of internet shopping.......Anyway, today I won't have to bribe anyone to be good by buying him a cookie, or listen to anyone else complain about how bored she is.

Slip Slidin' Away

2005-08-17T09:36:00.000-04:00

I can feel myself slipping under the the weight of overwhelming disappointments that await. All of these opportunities, responsibilities and activities sit infront of me - just waiting for me to fail them.

At the faculty meeting on Monday, we were told that during the coming school year, we would be gathering in "learning communities" during our "planning" periods. I love the idea of talking with my colleagues about teaching - don't get me wrong - but why can't the gathering time come out of "duty period"? That means each week, I will have 3 hours to plan, grade, and complete other administrative b.s. while I will have 23 hours of teaching, 10 hours of study hall duty, 1 hour of lunch duty and 3 hours of "learning community". Good Lord, just take my veins. I'm already bleeding dry and students haven't even arrived.

Mother-In-Law is visiting this week and providing child care while I'm in school but the kids are not. Monday, when I came home, she had set the table, done my laundry, taken my dog to the vet, and re-run the dishwasher because "there was still schmutz on the dishes". It's helpful and all, but I can't help feel like she's doing it because I'm woefully incompetent by her estimation.

When I came home yesterday afternoon, both of the children were still in their pajamas watching PBS kids. They hadn't moved all day. MIL was reading "Under the Banner of Heaven" - a great read about the weirdness of mormonism by the way. I couldn't put it down either when I read it last year. But really - PBS kids all frikken day?

Around dinner time, the children were bouncing off the walls. Mother-In-Law was irritated with them for misbehaving, and I wanted to say "It's your own damn fault for letting them watch tv all day". I decided to take them to the play area inside the mall, outside wasn't really an option because it was raining. But MIL wanted to wait for my husband to get home before we went anywhere. She doesn't seem to understand that he is a medical resident who NEVER COMES HOME. That's why they call him a "resident": he resides at the hospital! When he finally came home around 10:30 pm, his beeper sounded almost every 10 minutes. In between the beeps, she regaled him with the misdeeds of his children (in other words, a commentary on my mothering).

I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm tired of being a disappointment to myself and everyone I love. I'm tired of having lofty ideas and expectations punctured by my lack of ability. It's like I have the opposite of Midas touch. Everything I touch turns to shit.

So this is how I'm starting my school year. Aren't you glad your kid isn't in my class?

I wish there were a pill for this

2005-08-09T23:30:00.000-04:00

I'm filled with a dull sense of dread that school starts in a week. What the hell happened to "See you in September?"Not that starting school in September would do anything besides delay the inevitable. What is it that I dread, exactly?
1. Grading, Planning, and Teaching simultaneously. Each one of those responsibilities could rack up 40 hours a week 50 weeks a year.
2. Being treated like an imbecile by parents who have confused their child with the Hope Diamond
3. Feeling like a fraud. Like I don't have a clue what the hell I'm doing, and EVERYONE can see what a horrid job I'm doing faking it.
4. Knowing that I'm burned out after only 5 years of teaching
5. Not having enough energy to enjoy the children I brought into the world.

I just realized

2005-08-07T23:33:00.000-04:00

that DD is going to be 8 years old in the next few months, and I shared this observation with DH yesterday over coffee.
"I predict," I continued, "that we will get a flurry of phone calls trying to get her baptized on her 8th birthday."
"Umhmm" he nodded. DH just looked at me like I was the paranoid schizophrenic he always feared I was....
About an hour or so later, the phone rang. It was one of my "church friends". She and I probably never would have met except for church, and since I stopped going (over a year ago), I haven't heard anything from her. It's not like we were best friends or anything.
She was just calling to see if I would like to go see a movie with the "girls" from church later in the afternoon.
Should I go? Should I not? I argued with myself for about a milisecond. It seems harmless enough, but I just don't even want to go near that territory. I don't want to explain how I came to my postition of unbelief, and I don't want to feel awkward that I'm not who she thought I was or who I should be. I don't want to open any kind of doors or windows of opportunity for her to "reactivate" me, or to have a "missionary experience" - just in time for DD's 8th birthday. Maybe I am paranoid, but I've spent a good bit of time trying to heal from the devastating discovery of lies and half-truths the Mormon church has been teaching me for the last 30 years of my life. My wounds are still raw - I don't really feel strong enough to be friends with a former "church friend" when we don't have anything else in common, and now we no longer have the church in common either.

Things I absolutely love or hate

2005-08-03T22:24:00.000-04:00

Things I Love:

Vanilla Frappucino
Having a zit-free complexion
Max and Grace's belly laugh
that I actually enjoy running. Who knew?
when my kids sing along to music in the car - it's even more loveable when they sing along to Pink Martini
the endless possibilities in a book store
Magic Shell
High speed internet

Things I hate:

Shania Twain's electronically "enhanced" music (and I use the term music loosely)
Getting a message to call someone I really don't want to talk to
RoadKill
The credit card bill and the look on my husband's face when he reads it
That I'm addicted to Diet Coke
Commercials - I so want TiVo
wearing glasses
zits

If You Can't Lose It, Tan It

2005-08-01T23:11:00.000-04:00

Even though I'm running 8 mi/week now (remember: 3 months ago, the only exercise I got was from opening the fridge door and digging for something yummy), I still haven't lost much weight. Still wearing the same size that I was in June. Arrrrgh.
So, my mantra is now IF YOU CAN'T LOSE IT, TAN IT!
See you at the pool.

On Depression

2005-07-27T11:33:00.000-04:00

I once read a book about depression titled The Beast. It is an accurate representation - at least for me, anyway- of what it's like to have depression. Things will be going along fine, and then BOOM. The beast moves in for a while.
Last night, for example, I started crying while watching ABC's Nightline with Ted Koppel. There was this piece on the poverty and starvation in Niger. I couldn't change the channel, but I couldn't stop crying, either. I've been in a funk ever since. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Didn't want to do anything. Still don't.
Sometimes the world seems like such a cruel place.

What's wrong with me?

2005-07-24T12:21:00.000-04:00

So I'm having back-to-school dreams already - waking up with my heart racing. Dreading the whole rigamorole of updating the curriculum map, writing the course description (that no one ever reads anyway) and figuring out how to motivate 14 year olds.

Meanwhile, I'm home with my two young kids. I'm going NUTS. I love them, and feel guilty for getting frustrated but I'm tired of being ignored, chastized or contradicted by kids who still ask for help wiping themselves.

Hmm. I'm noticing some similarities between teaching 9th grade and parenting small children that I hadn't seen before.

In the Beginning...

2005-07-23T10:30:00.000-04:00

So here I am.
I've been contemplating this whole blog thing for months now, and now I'm actually doing something about it.
This will be my online journal about teaching and the typical (as well as atypical) experiences of working with teenagers. Some of it probably won't be pretty - but I'm hoping that even I'll find inspiration by writing about it.