Not Sure What I Want

Parent-Teacher Conferences were held this evening. I didn't get home until 8:00 pm and I am exhausted as you can well imagine. The thought of going back in the morning has sent me searching through my mental files of which movies I could show tomorrow during class so that I don't have to think. Or plan. Or teach.

In a year, DH will be finished with his fellowship and we will know where he's going next. Where ever the geographical location turns out to be, DH will finally be a board certified pathologist and will be making 4x what either of us presently earns. The reason I'm even bringing this up is because he frequently comments that once he's making more money, I can stay home.
I don't know if I want that.
It's true that the load I'm carrying right now has just about done me in. I'm about *this* far from having a nervous breakdown - and no, I'm not just being dramatic. I feel like Sysiphus.

On a side note, one of my perfectly delightful students asked me the other day what I hated about teaching. I hate a lot of little piddly things, but ultimately, I hate having to grade a student's work and then be graded for my grading. I hate grading. I hate not getting their papers back to them sooner. I hate feeling like I'm not doing my job as a teacher by turning assignments and tests around in two weeks.

When I get home at night, I hate feeling like I'm short changing my children. I hate telling my 4 year old I can't snuggle with him because I have papers to grade. And then I think "He's only going to be 4 once", so I climb into bed and read him a story. Guess who falls asleep first? I'll give you a hint: it's not the 4 year old, and the papers don't get graded.

While I agonize over how my absence affects my children, I wonder if I would really be a good SAHM because I get cabin fever by Sunday afternoon. I like being in the work place. I like having other things to talk about besides my children's lives. I love being a teacher because like students and I love literature. I'm just really really really really really really really really really tired.