Slip Slidin' Away

I can feel myself slipping under the the weight of overwhelming disappointments that await. All of these opportunities, responsibilities and activities sit infront of me - just waiting for me to fail them.

At the faculty meeting on Monday, we were told that during the coming school year, we would be gathering in "learning communities" during our "planning" periods. I love the idea of talking with my colleagues about teaching - don't get me wrong - but why can't the gathering time come out of "duty period"? That means each week, I will have 3 hours to plan, grade, and complete other administrative b.s. while I will have 23 hours of teaching, 10 hours of study hall duty, 1 hour of lunch duty and 3 hours of "learning community". Good Lord, just take my veins. I'm already bleeding dry and students haven't even arrived.

Mother-In-Law is visiting this week and providing child care while I'm in school but the kids are not. Monday, when I came home, she had set the table, done my laundry, taken my dog to the vet, and re-run the dishwasher because "there was still schmutz on the dishes". It's helpful and all, but I can't help feel like she's doing it because I'm woefully incompetent by her estimation.

When I came home yesterday afternoon, both of the children were still in their pajamas watching PBS kids. They hadn't moved all day. MIL was reading "Under the Banner of Heaven" - a great read about the weirdness of mormonism by the way. I couldn't put it down either when I read it last year. But really - PBS kids all frikken day?

Around dinner time, the children were bouncing off the walls. Mother-In-Law was irritated with them for misbehaving, and I wanted to say "It's your own damn fault for letting them watch tv all day". I decided to take them to the play area inside the mall, outside wasn't really an option because it was raining. But MIL wanted to wait for my husband to get home before we went anywhere. She doesn't seem to understand that he is a medical resident who NEVER COMES HOME. That's why they call him a "resident": he resides at the hospital! When he finally came home around 10:30 pm, his beeper sounded almost every 10 minutes. In between the beeps, she regaled him with the misdeeds of his children (in other words, a commentary on my mothering).

I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm tired of being a disappointment to myself and everyone I love. I'm tired of having lofty ideas and expectations punctured by my lack of ability. It's like I have the opposite of Midas touch. Everything I touch turns to shit.

So this is how I'm starting my school year. Aren't you glad your kid isn't in my class?