**Warning- this is not happy***

Looking around the room full of teachers today, I counted the number of teachers whose children are train wrecks. It struck me that the sooner I can get out of education the better because I go home so tired at night that I don’t care how much tv my kids watch as long as it’s something I’ve approved. I don’t care how messy their rooms are because I don’t have the energy to clean them or to get my kids to clean them. I don’t fight them on their bad eating habits because I’m too tired to care. And I’m filled with self loathing at the thought of all the work I won’t get done in spite of bringing it home with me. I’m too depressed and disappointed with myself to reflect much of anything positive to my children and I’m terrified they will internalize my failings as their own. My kids have a pretty high chance of becoming train wrecks if I don’t quit soon.

The Best Principal Ever dropped a bombshell yesterday: she’s leaving High School to go to Middle School. I’m irreconcilably sad she’s leaving but the decision has already been made and people are already in their new positions. I’m afraid Awesome Assistant Principal will leave, too and then the whole school really will go to hell. I wish I could quit this year. I wish I could leave before things get worse. Because no matter how positive or optimistic I am, things always get worse. This year has been absolutely awful and yet I know things will be worse next year. Things always get worse.

I refuse to work on the Vertical Team next year. I don’t like the working environment, I don’t agree with the way the work is organized and managed. I don’t like Super Bitch’s style of taking over and making decisions for us. I don’t like her inability to listen to the teachers and lack of regard for their opinions. Super Bitch is not a good leader, and she is not a good manager. She has brought frustration and disillusionment to an already thankless and demoralizing job. She is not a good coordinator for English.

I don’t want to teach 10 Honors next year. This year was such a categorical disaster that I don’t really want to even look at the mess I made. I don’t want to sift through the fuselage of things taught badly and try to recreate a curriculum that equals in rigor what Fabulous Teacher teaches. That will simply be an act of self flagellation. I know I did a terrible job and I know I’m not (a) Fabulous Teacher. I’m sad for the students who took my class this year. I’m sad for the crap they put up with from me. I wish I had been a better teacher. I wish I were a different person altogether. I suck.

I want to go on vacation for a week all by myself. I want a room with an ocean view, right next to the beach. I don’t want to get out of bed or shower for a week. I don’t want to do anything but watch the waves crash on the sand and be comforted by the tide’s unremitting sequence. I don’t want to think about how fat and unattractive I am. I don’t want to supervise my children playing on the beach and I don’t want to worry about Husband's mood. Or money. Or anything.

What I really want is to cease existing. But there's no real chance of that happening.

Resume

I don’t really want to respond to Ms. Mother of ****. First of all, I don’t know what to say. What does she want me to say? I’m sorry? You’re right?
I get the feeling that she just wanted to share her feelings about my severe ineptitude – she doesn’t really want me to respond. I could attempt to defend myself against some of the transgressions she accused me of, but it doesn’t really matter at this point. She has said her peace – there really isn’t much to resolve or fix. It doesn’t matter that I did get her a list of ****’s assignments (which *****promptly lost), just not the moment she asked for it; I told her I needed a day or two to get the list together.
It doesn’t matter that everyone has to start somewhere and I couldn’t have just automatically taught the subtleties of books like Othello and Frankestein without having read them. Am I supposed to lie and pretend I had read them? How am I supposed to answer students’ questions other than “I’ll have to go back and look at that because I don’t know right off the top of my head”.
I did fail her daughter. I am not the “best” teacher who inspires, nor am I even a favorite of any other students either. I didn’t connect to ****– I don’t think I connected to anyone, actually, which is probably due to some personal defect on my part. I don’t want to be anyone’s pet teacher. I don’t want to be best friends with my students. I guess I feel like lashing out at her, and criticizing her parenting practices. Why have I never met or heard about ****’s father? What’s wrong with their relationship? Is he embarrassed that **** is such a freak? What about ****’s OCD (if that’s even what it is; I happen to think she has Asberger’s)? What did they do wrong to bring that out in their child? I feel like she is attacking me that personally. I feel like she’s going straight for my jugular.

About the only thing I can do is breathe in and out. In and Out. And try again, because

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-----Dorothy Parker.

Ouch

Ms. Faculties--
****will not be in class for the English final exam. At this point she believes she has failed the class, that she must repeat the class next year, and that taking the final exam will in no way change either of the two previous statements.
Without question I am disappointed that ****s year in Honors English has turned out this way. Following a stellar year in Honors English 9, it is hard to believe we are talking about the same student. It's hard to believe we are talking about the same student who has never scored below a 91%-tile in any standardized reading or writing exam, including the PSAT. It's hard to believe this is the same student that can produce A and B work in Honors history.
What I'd like to understand better, is why ***** "shut down" in your English class. I know she was terribly turned off when you professed to not having read "Othello" before and to not having read "Frankenstein" since you were in high school. She was disoriented by the change from Ms. Excellent's lecture style to the "what do you all think" method that never resulted in an definitive answers. And I know she was extremely frustrated that it took so long to get tests and papers back that she never knew how she was doing.
Considering *****'s depression and other problems, I might have thought she was exaggerating, but you learn quite a bit from other parents while you sit in the halls waiting for conferences and I heard the same complaints from those parents.
***** will suffer the consequences for how she handled the problems in this classroom. She will be repeating Honors English 10 as a direct result of her inability to deal with the teacher and the environment. That's her lesson to learn the hard way.
Unfortunately, though, I think much of what ***** has said about your teaching and your organizational skills is true. When you couldn't produce a list of *****'s assignments for me first semester and told me *****should have been writing them down, I was amazed. Of course she should have been writing them down, but why couldn't you produce the list? How is it that you did not know what was assigned, when it was due, and who had turned it in and what grade they received? I have spent a year telling ***** to just "play the game." Telling her that you don't always get "good" teachers or teachers you "like" and that you have to learn to work with what you have and adapt. You're very likeable and seem to recognize that **** has some knowledge, but I think both you and ****failed to adapt. I think you had an obligation to ****as a teacher to meet her needs in education. She is probably one of the best-read students in the 10th grade and you had a subject that could have made her come alive. I am so disappointed that she wasn't anything special--anything worth saving.
In ****'s presence, I must support you as her teacher. As bad as her self-esteem is, I cannot for an instant let her think that her failure had anything to do with you; however, I think you should know that I think you both failed.
Sincerely,
Mother of *****

A most sinister confession

By this time each year, I have jotted down a list of students who have bugged me all year long. This year is no different, but I guess the good part is that my list gets shorter every year. Or maybe that's bad because I learn to put up with more shit from students and parents each year.

Every year my grading standard become rather fluid around this time, too. Is it wrong to merely ballpark a kid's grade without really reading his work? Does it matter if I don't grade every damn assignment they turned in? Should I be assigning this much crap anyway? Does it really make a difference to anyone?

Tomorrow's my last day of real teaching - next week we have semester exams . I think I can make it all the way through the day. Or at least til lunch - it's pizza day.

La la la I don't care anymore.